Whisper
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Subaru's confused thoughts as he kills Seishirou in X vol. 16.


Disclaimer: Tokyo Babylon belongs to Clamp.   
  
Whisper  
by Yui Miyamoto  
  
  
I've finally done it....  
  
After all these years, I have done it...  
  
I thought of so many conclusions and so many scenarios of this exact scene. But they have escaped me as I look at you...  
  
As I looked down at Seishirou, I temporarily felt numb. My heart had become the second before glass broke after pushing it off the ledge.  
That's how I had felt all these years.  
I was glass ready to break, yet strong enough to keep hanging on.  
  
As my hand still pierces through his chest,   
I feel the blood pulsating out and drip softly on the ground.  
  
Was that how it felt like Nee-chan? How did you feel when he killed you like this?   
  
Staring silently at Seishirou, I kept on repeating to myself, "It is finished."  
But that persistent voice in my head kept on saying, "How did you feel doing this to me, Seishirou?"  
I thought that if I killed you, my anger would submerge. That my numbness would leave me barren with hate for you.   
  
And yet it was still there...  
  
Holding you closer, I could not cry. For you or my Nee-chan, I couldn't cry. Two important people in my life...  
...and I felt like that was a strength and yet it was my downfall.  
  
"You must beat Seishirou with all that you can do," I had said to myself. "But at your level, you cannot do so."  
  
Your voice...  
you're still speaking softly to me, Seishirou...  
  
I'm listening to this voice that had killed my sister. I'm hearing the voice that I had hated since that day you left me raping the very heart of my innocence.  
Still, you speak so gently to me...and speak so well of my sister...  
  
Why didn't you just kill me...  
...you are like me...  
...we cannot kill the ones we love...  
...when we do, we are beyond love and hope...  
  
Embracing you even more, I want to feel your life. My heart is beating faster as you are slipping away from me gradually.   
Why is it the moment's we have together, they are so short?  
Tell me why, Seishirou.  
  
"Yasashii kara..."   
  
I want to shake my head as you say, "It's because you are gentle."  
More than I should, I hug you tighter. With all my hurt, my pain of years on end, my broken glass heart, I want to stay with you.  
I am not gentle.  
I don't think I'm gentle as you say.   
  
With the passage of time, I lost my humanity little by little. Becoming an uncompassionate stoic who did nothing. I hated the way I became because I became like you.  
  
Then, with that one eye slashed, you look at me. And that eye reminded me of too many things...  
How you took the hit for me and still stood strong...  
How much I pounded on that hospital door screaming your name until my hands bled...  
How I pushed my own sister to the side for you...  
  
You cup one hand on my face and smile.  
  
That smile you gave to me years ago when I was seven...  
...a sincere smile that I never forgot...  
  
But you whisper to my ear...  
...the same thing I said to you when you attacked me...  
  
Drip. Drip.  
I'm crying again...  
You just had to whisper that. All the tears that couldn't be cried until now are coming out with no chance of stopping anytime soon.  
Shaking my head and hugging this dead body, I think, "Why...why do you always do that?"  
  
Whenever I think one way, you think another...  
And in the end, I find we are at the same conclusion.  
  
My broken heart has shattered bleeding red raindrops on the floor with you. Melting with yours on the ground, I continue to cry. Whether or not you are evil or if you are good, you are still Seishirou.  
  
And deep in my heart, I am still the same Subaru-kun...  
  
...  
  
Yes, you are right, I am gentle...  
  
For how could I think I hated you all these years...  
...only to find out now how much I've loved you even more...?  
  
As you fade away before me, I hug the air that keeps your scent fresh in the air. But my arms want to keep on holding onto you. My eyes want to cry.  
I want to scream back to you, "WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO THAT?!"  
  
My reserve was so perfect until now...  
...until you said, "I love you."  
  
----  
Author's note: I just wanted to perceive Subaru-kun's thoughts and put words ito Seishirou because it has bugged me to no end how Clmap just left the whisper to your own imagination. And this is my interpretation of that.  
  
* laughs * I think I like them so much because they're so damn twisted!  
1:22 PM 9/1/01 


End file.
